i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
