Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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