Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
