every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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