I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
