I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
