so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
