Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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