Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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