Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
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She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
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I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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