Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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