My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
