I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
