If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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