i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
