please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
