im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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