We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
