got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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