So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
