It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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