Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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