I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
