well I can't set my house on fire every night
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
