you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
