My nipple is on Facebook.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
