if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
