my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
