i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
