heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
