If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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