just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
