Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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