We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
