I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I use my feet as sexual weapons
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
