I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
