mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
