Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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