Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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