Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
be right there i have to get my cape
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
