He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
