No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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