so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
