i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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