Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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