Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize