I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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