Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize
