Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
