No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
