Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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