nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
