Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
