come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
