What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
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My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
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Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize