If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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