I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
